true commitment

I saw something today that shocked me, even by new york standards.

in the elevator at the sports club this morning there was this yuppie looking couple, they were probably about 27. He had a european style haircut, she had on vintage style workout clothes. (because its important to be fashionable at all times.)

What struck was their matching neck tattoos. they both had these elaborate tattoos of something in calligraphy across the whole left side of their neck. not a tiny carebear or gang-sign or something, we are talking ultra-conspicuous here.




(not actual sports club yuppie)


I think theyre probably the early-adopters on the leading edge of a cultural shift in our country. forget about wedding bands, you can take those off. plus they can get lost down the drain which could lead to serious garbage-disposal related injuries to the digits (a particular phobia of mine, dont even get me started on that).

matching visible tattoos are definitely the true sign of matrimonial love and commitment.

The funny thing is that at first I thought that those people must really love each other to want to declare their commitment with such permanence.

Then, I realized that there is a much more obvious explanation: that got nearly identical tattoos before ever meeting each other and the whole thing just happened by coincidence.

coincidences like that are crazy, you know?

confessions of infidelity and scandal

you want drama? I got drama. almost too much drama, in fact.

a certain affair that I have been a party to took a turn today and I was forced to own up to the one who I had once been unquestionably loyal to.

this one really is against my better judgment, but there is no turning back now.

let me start from the beginning...

so I was getting off of the 2,3 at wall st today, feeling better than average (but not too much better). I read an excellent article on cholera in the new yorker on the subway, so that was a real heart-warmer.

I emerge from my usual stop, reach in to my pocket for a dollar bill, pop out my right earbud, look up, and I found myself staring them in the face. even after months of no contact, I was recognized instantly.

I didn't know what to say, I was speechless, but they were smiling. I guess that's a good sign.

'Ahhhh, its the early bird' he said. I mustered up my confidence and said, 'Croissant please.' Smiling and laughing ensued. They knew exactly what I wanted and they knew how I wanted it, they knew all to well. They had given me so many in the past.

For that brief moment in time, it felt like the honeymoon all over. He snapped the brown paper bag open, gave me his biggest and moistest and we engaged in the standard mutual exchange.

I suppose they understand though. I mean, somehow after the months we shared we had just grown apart, and eventually I moved away. Even when I was in the neighborhood I consciously or subconsciously avoided them, intentionally going to the coffeedonut cart a half block down.

As I stood on pier 11 at the end of wall street afterwards, I couldn't help but reminicse. I suppose some day I'll go back again, to rekindle the old flame once again.

I keep telling myself, 'forget wall st, you sentimental bastard.'

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

urban maneuvers 201

class is now in session. you in back, close your laptop--what do you think this is, law school? no.

this is the first and last session of intermediate urban maneuvers. I am operating under the assumption that everyone here has learned and mastered all techniques covered in the basic introductory course, including, but not limited to, aggressive street crossing and walking through tourist photos.

we are not going to waste any time.


first lesson: the crowded subway train

Its 8am and your standing on the platform with a thousand other working stiffs waiting for the 4,5 uptown. train pulls up and its completely and absolutely packed. the people around you hesitate, they take a step back. they have chosen to surrender, they are going to wait for the next train. not you. not only are you bold and fearless, but you know the next train will be even more packed.

only the weak wait for the next train. suck in your gut and push your way onto that train. even if you dont have a gut, suck it in--it is going to be tight.

until the first stop you will have poor positioning. strategically, the worst position on the train is the circular area far enough away from the pole to reach it but close enough to the pole that you are not adjacent to anything else. being in the center of the door directly against it is also a weak position, but it is somewhat more tenable.

once you hit the first stop, get ready to move. just like they taught us about boxing-out to rebound in city-league basketball, these next few moments require nothing more than tactical foresight and a stiff upper lip. your goal is to work your way into the one of the corners where the door meets a bench. forget about sitting down, what you would gain in momentary comfort you would lose in exit mobility.

you should be fine now until you get to your destination. congratulations. turn up your ipod loud enough so that others can enjoy it too.

you will be exiting the train at a busy stop. it will be like the floodgates opened and a rush of people has been unleashed onto the platform. do not fight the flow, let it carry you. more importantly, do not cross your streams (you saw what happened in ghostbusters).

one more important bottleneck: the turnstyles. this is where it can get ugly.

real life case in point: this morning at the chambers street station. I am rolling hard with the rest of the recently detrained passengers through the turnstyles when some jackass tries to swipe through coming the other way--on my turnstyle, nonetheless.

not only did he swipe through, but when he saw the pinstripe freight-train coming through he backed down. worst decision he made all morning. not only did he get pimped by yours truly, but he lost his swipe. his only recourse was to run after me and throw up a middle finger in my face, but the damage was done and my upper lip was stiff. he lost, I won. all thanks to urban maneuvering.

this may sound harsh and unforgiving to those who have not experienced it, but I assure you that these are simply the facts of life. kill or be killed.

you too can emerge victorious from your everday encounters by following this course of study.

to be continued... next lesson: bar tactics