urban maneuvers 201

class is now in session. you in back, close your laptop--what do you think this is, law school? no.

this is the first and last session of intermediate urban maneuvers. I am operating under the assumption that everyone here has learned and mastered all techniques covered in the basic introductory course, including, but not limited to, aggressive street crossing and walking through tourist photos.

we are not going to waste any time.


first lesson: the crowded subway train

Its 8am and your standing on the platform with a thousand other working stiffs waiting for the 4,5 uptown. train pulls up and its completely and absolutely packed. the people around you hesitate, they take a step back. they have chosen to surrender, they are going to wait for the next train. not you. not only are you bold and fearless, but you know the next train will be even more packed.

only the weak wait for the next train. suck in your gut and push your way onto that train. even if you dont have a gut, suck it in--it is going to be tight.

until the first stop you will have poor positioning. strategically, the worst position on the train is the circular area far enough away from the pole to reach it but close enough to the pole that you are not adjacent to anything else. being in the center of the door directly against it is also a weak position, but it is somewhat more tenable.

once you hit the first stop, get ready to move. just like they taught us about boxing-out to rebound in city-league basketball, these next few moments require nothing more than tactical foresight and a stiff upper lip. your goal is to work your way into the one of the corners where the door meets a bench. forget about sitting down, what you would gain in momentary comfort you would lose in exit mobility.

you should be fine now until you get to your destination. congratulations. turn up your ipod loud enough so that others can enjoy it too.

you will be exiting the train at a busy stop. it will be like the floodgates opened and a rush of people has been unleashed onto the platform. do not fight the flow, let it carry you. more importantly, do not cross your streams (you saw what happened in ghostbusters).

one more important bottleneck: the turnstyles. this is where it can get ugly.

real life case in point: this morning at the chambers street station. I am rolling hard with the rest of the recently detrained passengers through the turnstyles when some jackass tries to swipe through coming the other way--on my turnstyle, nonetheless.

not only did he swipe through, but when he saw the pinstripe freight-train coming through he backed down. worst decision he made all morning. not only did he get pimped by yours truly, but he lost his swipe. his only recourse was to run after me and throw up a middle finger in my face, but the damage was done and my upper lip was stiff. he lost, I won. all thanks to urban maneuvering.

this may sound harsh and unforgiving to those who have not experienced it, but I assure you that these are simply the facts of life. kill or be killed.

you too can emerge victorious from your everday encounters by following this course of study.

to be continued... next lesson: bar tactics